Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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