I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
zippers are such a cool invention
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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