You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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