my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
