I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
