Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
