ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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