can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
