Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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