Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
They took my balls.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
