Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize