there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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