I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
