Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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