you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
