I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Randomize
