A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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