I'm gonna have a badass scar
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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