Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
