i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
