If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize