Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
