it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
