I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
