the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
