good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
