I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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