I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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