I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
