Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
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