C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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