No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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