She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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