take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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