Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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