remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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