I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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