The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
