if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Screwed.edu
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
