If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
