the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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