Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
