My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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