I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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