Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
