I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
