First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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