you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
is it fun? or sober?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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