A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
That accounts for only three of the penises
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
