sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
