I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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