About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You are the jesus of drinking
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
