then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Randomize
