you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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