Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
