we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
