i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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