well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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